"Well," he laughed, tugging at back of his scarf,
"usually I'd begin to notice the threads molding or something after only a couple of days, but it's been..." He wrapped the scarf tighter around his neck and shoulders and smiled at her.
"Well...it's been many more days than that, and things seem good."
That was the weird thing about him. He still referred to time as passing in days, and whenever he did it, she was never really sure what to think. She understood that he had come from High, where time was counted in days and ticks of shadows inching across a pedestal, but to cling to such a useless concept here...as far as she knew, there wasn't really even an easily divisible conversion between the hours of a day and the flickers of Low.
"That's good," she said. "I worried a bit...but my clan weaves and has better yarns than anyone else. If there's anyone what would make a scarf for someone with your circumstances, it's us."
"I appreciate it."
She nodded at him, then hesitated, just a bit more, and bent down her head. He looked at her with confusion, then smiled again, shallowly, at a slant, and bent his head too. She walked a bit forward until she felt her forehead bump his furrowed one. His skull was the same size as hers, fit perfectly between the fist-sized helix of her horns.
"I'm Terrai Boula Affries," she told him.
"Hi, Terrai."
She blinked. "Oh -- no -- my selfname is Boula. I'm ungu, so my flockname is first, my selfname second, and my broadsreach name is last."
He blinked. "Alright. Well...I'm Seph Denavit. You should call me Seph," he said, before she could ask, and they both straightened.
"Well...it's been many more days than that, and things seem good."
That was the weird thing about him. He still referred to time as passing in days, and whenever he did it, she was never really sure what to think. She understood that he had come from High, where time was counted in days and ticks of shadows inching across a pedestal, but to cling to such a useless concept here...as far as she knew, there wasn't really even an easily divisible conversion between the hours of a day and the flickers of Low.
"That's good," she said. "I worried a bit...but my clan weaves and has better yarns than anyone else. If there's anyone what would make a scarf for someone with your circumstances, it's us."
"I appreciate it."
She nodded at him, then hesitated, just a bit more, and bent down her head. He looked at her with confusion, then smiled again, shallowly, at a slant, and bent his head too. She walked a bit forward until she felt her forehead bump his furrowed one. His skull was the same size as hers, fit perfectly between the fist-sized helix of her horns.
"I'm Terrai Boula Affries," she told him.
"Hi, Terrai."
She blinked. "Oh -- no -- my selfname is Boula. I'm ungu, so my flockname is first, my selfname second, and my broadsreach name is last."
He blinked. "Alright. Well...I'm Seph Denavit. You should call me Seph," he said, before she could ask, and they both straightened.
1 Comments:
Some things I noticed:
Dialogue tics such as "well, ..." reflect real-life speech patterns, but isn't as welcome in fictional speech. I think you could cut them out and have the same effect -- if you need to, you can demonstrate uncertainty with a hand hanging on the back of the speaker's neck, etc.
It's spelled "pedestal."
And be wary of constructions using verbs such as "to see" and "to feel," since they're a bit redundant considering the role of the narrator. I try to replace them with something else at every opportunity and it comes across as less passive to me. For instance, you could rewrite "she walked forward until she felt her forehead bump into his furrowed one" to be "she walked forward until her forehead bumped his" (I'm also not a fan of "A's body part verb (preposition) B's adjective same body part" as description as I've never been able to make it natural in my writing. Perhaps when you have Seph staring at her "in confusion," you could mention his brows furrowing there, instead).
Onto the good stuff, of which there is lots. I think it really says something about the scale and estrangement of a city from itself when different parts of it don't even adhere to the same time frame. Wish I had a better idea of what a flickr is (reminds me of that photosharing website, so I would consider modifying it to remove a date on your work), but I feel I can look into the previous chapters and figure it out.
I thought Boula's head-bumping gesture really fits this sheep image of her I have in mind (I think she's a sheep?) -- it's such an intimate gesture but she didn't need to be Seph's lover to share it with him. Very powerful, especially with the touches of hesitancy you threw in there. Also, you have me curious about ungu naming dynamics.
And this may be a result of not reading the previous chapters, but I was completely surprised to figure out the hire-ee was Seph. XD; I look forward to reading more now that I've just figured this out.
Thank you for your kind words on Kaela's first chapter. :D
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